Hello, dear reader! It’s me, Seth. It’s been some time, but I’m finally back! Working in a coal mine has been grueling work, but I’m done now, and I’m back to give you some totally informational news that I did not make up on a whim for entertainment purposes! Nope, this is all straight fact. Facts about what, you may ask? Facts about how spring is evil and dangerous, and how everything will be out to get you until summer time finally comes around! Trust me, I’m an expert on these things, so I’ll be happy to inform you on just some of the MANY dangers of the spring time, so you can be on high alert when you’re out having brunch with friends or something.
You may be asking yourself, “What could possibly be so dangerous about the springtime?” And the answer to that, is everything. Simply going outside could get you killed, which brings me to my first example; Allergies.
You see, during the springtime, flowers produce tons of pollen, and if you struggle with allergies like me, this is bad news. Bees, other bugs, and the wind itself are a few things that end up causing these little balls of evil to go airborne, allowing them to travel almost anywhere. This means you aren’t even safe in your own home, and unless you have some sort of allergy medicine, or a mask to keep pollen from going up your nose, I’m afraid your time has come.
Now, let’s say you manage to survive the killer pollen attacks. What else do you have to look out for? Almost all of mother nature, honestly, but I should probably be more specific. Flowers, trees, bees, mosquitoes, heavy rain, and most notably, bears.
Now, bear sightings in New York are low, but never 0. There’s actually a couple thousand black bears here in New York! Although, it seems as though they live mostly in wooded areas, or areas made specifically for the wildlife to inhabit, so you’d think bears in the city would be quite the improbable scenario..
But you’d be wrong.
You see, it’s during mid-April when bears like to come out of hibernation, and after spending all of that time inside, lazing around sleeping and eating, they must have only one thing on their minds; A vacation. And where’s a better place to spend time away from the wilderness after spending all of that time in their dens? THE CITY. So the next time you see an oddly hairy tourist, keep your distance, because you never know if it’s a bear, and it’s not every day that a bear gets to taste a human…
Alright, now you may be thinking, “What could be worse than tourist bears?” And to be honest, I was stumped too. But then I remembered something. Something truly evil. A freak of nature, that could only be described as a corporate-made horror beyond our comprehension. An individual so sinister, it strikes fear in even the hearts of the most evil beings of all, small children. That’s right, it’s the easter bunny!
That’s right, the easter bunny is, without a shred of doubt, quite possibly the most dangerous, evil, diabolical, despicable, devious, mischievous, something else that ends with -ous, being of springtime. Its existence alone doesn’t make sense! You mean to tell me that some oversized bunny likes to come around on a Sunday, lay eggs made of chocolate, and hide them around for small children to find? Not only should that not be scientifically possible, it just sounds straight up predatory! I bet he uses those eggs to lure children to his den, where he forces children to watch VeggieTales for days on end.
And even though those videos of children freaking out at the sight of the easter bunny are, admittedly, VERY funny, those reactions very much called for. Just look at him, that blank expression and those empty eyes, if you stare into them long enough you can see the souls of his victims, who came to their untimely demise, because they ate random chocolate “eggs,” ( you cannot convince me that it’s not just his poop), that they found laying around on the ground. It simply just doesn’t make any sense! It’s unsafe and unsanitary…
But yeah, those are just a few things you should look out for during this very dangerous time of the year. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lock myself in my room and hide under my blankets until the summer time comes around. See you then!