Apple Gazette

by Charlie, Shaylem & Alex Mortimer Sackler, co-owner of Purdue Pharma was arrested last night for the alleged robbery of seven bodegas in the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn. Sally, a forty-two year old cashier who works at the local Delicious Organic Yumminess corner store told reporters, “That Sackler guy keeps coming into Organic Yumminess […]

by Charlie, Shaylem & Alex On a bright Thursday morning, the Brooklyn Flying Squad took a tour of President Donald Trump’s childhood home. The homeschoolers were surprised to find out that Trump’s childhood home was actually a hole in the ground– quite literally. It was under a little bit of rubble, but they were able […]

By Charlie, Shaylem, Zoe & Alex Wednesday night there was a debate between the two candidates for Vice Presidency. One of the two debaters, vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris revealed that President Trump does not have the Coronavirus. He actually has the infamous Rat Worm Lung Disease, which is caught by licking snails. Does he […]

by Charlie, Oliver, Shaylem, Zoe & Alex At Tuesday night’s Presidential Debate, Donald Trump told the Proud Girls to, “Get up and boogie down.” The infamous hate group who attack Christmas carolers took this as a clear signal to start protesting in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. Early Thursday morning hundreds of young women armed with clubs […]

by Charlie, James, Oliver, Shaylem, Zoe and Alex In the Grand Dining Room of the White House Thursday, President Donald Trump had a meeting with his good friend, Monkey. The President and Monkey were having a heated discussion about the new monkey preserve set to be unveiled in early November in Prospect Park, New York. […]

by Charlie Is the Coronavirus actually Rat Worm Lung Disease? And has the Coronavirus been rampant since the year of 2017? Technically it is Covid-17?

Our sources tell us that 99% of the reasons monkeys are going extinct is because of rice pudding consumption. Researcher Robert LeRoy went to the College for Rice Pudding© (CRP) in Denver, Illinois. He was born in Nascar, Kentucky and shined shoes for a living and found traces of monkey extract in the monkey gunk […]

by Charlie, Shaylem & Alex Modern technology is flawed. Modern thinking is flawed. Modern ideas are flawed. We need to go back to a simpler way of thinking. Politicians screw up, behead them. The guillotine should be reinstated as the most effective method of execution. And as a bonus, it can be used to slice […]

by Charlie, Oliver, Shaylem & Alex Vladamir Poopin was rushed to the hospital Sunday night with a painful itch on hiney. Doctors suspect poison ivy, but he got this only by sitting on his toilet. So who sabotaged his toilet and why?

by Charlie, Manuela, Marisol, Oliver, Shaylem Zoe & Alex It started on one Saturday evening. Hub was eating a big bowl of spaghetti on a bench at the park (it was spaghettios, actually). The Flying Spaghetti Monster flew up to Hub and said, “Hey, what the hell are you doing?” Hub replied, “Eating spaghetti.” “You’re […]

by Charlie, Shaylem & Alex, Illustration by Oliver Recent studies have shown that sitting on people has negative implications on said people’s health. In a recent study, doctors had people sit on somebody else for six months straight. The sittees caught Sitting Person Virus Disease (SPVD) after a mere minute. SPVD creates an urge to […]

By Shaye Here are a few simple steps on how to write a letter;