The March Har-Har-ascopes. We’ve got some really good news from the stars for you… sucker.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Stop snitching you butt, you live in a hut, you poop eater.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
It’s only weird if you make it weird, so stop it. Share the cookies, you doink.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Nobody cares about your split personality disorder. Eduardo doesn’t exist.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You don’t have the Coronavirus. Stop coughing. Stop. Stop it. Oh uh, maybe you do, sorry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The mask doesn’t make you look ugly. That’s just you. Now put it on and shut up.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
We’re sick and tired of you being so nice. Chill. No, seriously though, chill out. And also get over it, I took that piece of candy from you like fifteen years ago. Get over it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Let it go. My hat is nicer than yours. No. Stop it, put the knife away. NOOOOOOO!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Ha ha saggy-taurus.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Put up your mask, you doink. There’s this thing called a pandemic.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You need to come out of the closet. You haven’t seen the light of the sun in seven weeks. Turn the knob, open the door.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t take a shower, we’re going to push you in the river, and we know you can’t swim.
Disclaimer: if any of these horoscopes offended you, we’ve been in a pandemic for a year (I’m looking at you capricorn, put your mask on) our sanity has been slowly depleting, so if you have a complaint take it up with the authorities. I have to go, my dad has a shotgun. See ya.