Scientists have been wondering for a millennia now, “What does my poop think?” And now we finally have the answer in this EXCLUSIVE interview… with the Poop in Your Toilet:
How long have you been in the toilet?
Hm, a couple of months or so.
How does it make you feel to be in the toilet?
Hm, it’s kind of comfy in here. It’s very warm. But it can also be very cold. So, I have to climb out of the toilet sometimes and grab some toilet paper as a blanket to warm myself up.
Will you spy on people for us? Do you work for the government?
I’ve never met the government, but I’ll bet they’re a really nice person. Hm, I don’t know if I would spy on anyone for you. How much money will you pay me?
Would you have preferred to have been a log in someone’s pants?
No. It’s not comfy. Plus I’d be touching someone’s butt. And that would be weird.
Can you tell us about your childhood?
I started out as a green bean and a carrot and some mashed potatoes. Throughout my childhood, I went through some really difficult times, you know, through digestion and all of that. It wasn’t that easy. Then I saw the light! And then I did a cannonball into a pool. And now, I am here, talking to you guys.
Is it true that you’re related to soft serve ice cream?
No, but that’s a common misconception. Wait, does cousin mean related?
Toilet paper: love it or hate it?
Keeps me warm.
How are your children, the little turds?
Wait. Who? The ones floating at the top? Oh yeah.
Do you choose to be smelly or do you just forget to put on deodorant in the morning?
Well, I used to use Dove deodorant. But someone told me it can give me a rash. So I don’t use it anymore.
Anything else you want to tell the world?
Unfortunately, our journalist left this interview by shaking the Poop in Your Toilet’s hand and ended up with pink eye.