New Inflow of Tiny Tot Workers

by Charlie, Shaylem, Zoe & Alex

Yesterday’s decision by the Department of Education to shut down schools in New York City turned out to not be about the Coronavirus, at least not what we thought. Contrary to popular belief, the Coronavirus was not the sole cause of schools shutting down. Our investigative reporters discovered that the real reason for closures was actually a child labor conspiracy.

One point one million children are going to underground laboratories secretly built below public schools throughout the five boroughs. They are mass producing new Coronavirus cotton swabs so when one gets the nasal Covid-19 test, the doctors unknowingly are actually giving the virus to the patient. Children are getting school lunches for free in return for their labor, including bonus oval shaped pizza bagels.

But that’s not all! Charter schools including Success Academy (a.k.a. Successful Academics) are mass producing Coronavirus vaccinations using child labor. These are being sold to the same testing facilities in a Department of Education get rich quick scheme.

Our reporters interviewed little Timmy at P.S. 666. He had this to say about his new Coronavirus manufacturing job, “Dey fawc me to do it. Dey say if I don’t do it, they put me in deteshun.” The rest of the interview could not be heard over the crack of a whip. Little Sally at M.S. 51 reported, “Dey tawd me dis was my science class. Was dis not my science class? Am I gunna be on teevee?”

Mayor Bill de Blasio smiling in an interview said he is confident schools will be closed at least for the rest of this school year, “until we can find and detain the perpetrators of this frankly childish behavior.”