GOP Counts on Count

by Charlie, Shaylem, Zoe & Alex

The GOP (Grumpy Old Politicians) weren’t convinced of the results of the election, and decided to hire one of the best counters out there, THE Count Von Count. We interviewed the Count on his progress of counting the election, and his response was, “One! Two! Three! Ha ha ha!” Research later proved that this is actually two numbers higher than the current President can actually count.

The Head Cheeto said, “This really helped me figure out how to count. And to that, I thank my fine bloodthirsty friend, the excellent Count. I like counting. Counting is really great. I haven’t quite completed counting yet, but you can count on me. My friends have given me lots of practice.” Our journalists, however, could not prove after many hours of research that the President actually has any friends.

Later that same day, President Cheeto was found hanging by his underwear from a telephone pole on Sesame Street. Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham helped the President down, only to discover written across his forehead was, “Joe Biden wuz here.” As far as we know, the count hasn’t gotten past ten yet, so, we expect the final results to come in around 2022, but we called the Count’s counting for Biden.