by Charlie, Shaylem & Alex
Mortimer Sackler, co-owner of Purdue Pharma was arrested last night for the alleged robbery of seven bodegas in the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn. Sally, a forty-two year old cashier who works at the local Delicious Organic Yumminess corner store told reporters, “That Sackler guy keeps coming into Organic Yumminess and stealing from the give a penny, take a penny at my checkout. It’s so petty.”
Sackler took from her pennies for the last time when she decided enough was enough. Sally called homeland security late Wednesday evening. Seventeen squad cars blocked most of Fifth Avenue for several hours while Sackler ran for it down the street. Neighboring grocery stores reported that similar things have happened to them. Upon his arrest, Sackler was found with one hundred and twenty-four pennies in his left suit pocket.
Sackler is out on bail after his arrest. His trial begins on Election Day of this year, but Donald Trump promises to pardon Sackler should Trump get re-elected.