by Charlie, Oliver, Shaylem, Zoe & Alex
At Tuesday night’s Presidential Debate, Donald Trump told the Proud Girls to, “Get up and boogie down.” The infamous hate group who attack Christmas carolers took this as a clear signal to start protesting in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. Early Thursday morning hundreds of young women armed with clubs made from horse femurs descended upon the neighborhood and gave out free enemas and clubbed the local caroling groups. They gained minus one new members from this protest.
Our news reporter, Arlo Buttingham, was able to interview several locals as well as members of the Proud Girls. Bernice Thoomstraw, a local solar panel worker exclaimed, “I have to say, everybody thought I was weird, but darn it, was [that enema] worth it.” A local Christmas Caroler, Arnold Butlicker remarked, “I know I’m forty but caroling is still fun. I just pretended I wasn’t a Christmas caroler. It’s pretty difficult to not break out into song, but I’m strong and was able to do it.” Stinkerstime McFacefoot, a Christmas carol hating Proud Girl, declared, “I hate Christmas carolers. I hate them so much, I want to club them with horse femurs. I feel so enabled by the President. He’s letting me take out my hatred on Christmas carolers.”
The demonstration ended when the Proud Girls finally drove off all carolers from Carroll Gardens, declaring the neighborhood to now be just Gardens. The Proud Girls broke into spontaneous song, singing Kumbaya to their Presidential-enabled victory.