Our sources tell us that 99% of the reasons monkeys are going extinct is because of rice pudding consumption. Researcher Robert LeRoy went to the College for Rice Pudding© (CRP) in Denver, Illinois. He was born in Nascar, Kentucky and shined shoes for a living and found traces of monkey extract in the monkey gunk pudding, yeah, monkey extract in the, um, rice pudding. He was enraged because his daughter Patricia, Jr. was allergic to monkeys.
Patricia, Jr’s poop swelled up from the allergy and began clogging the toilet at home. Her father discovered after unclogging the toilet for the fifth time that week that there were monkey fingernails in his daughter’s poop. Discovering that she was only on a strict diet of rice pudding and broccoli LeRoy went investigating what was up with the monkey fingernails.
LeRoy visited Broccoli International to find out how the toenails got into this broccoli. He found that they were actually only putting rhinoceroses in their broccoli. Broccoli International selected rhinoceroses in their broccoli because, of course, they didn’t want monkeys to go extinct (like any responsible broccoli company would conclude). Perplexed, LeRoy realized the monkeys must be coming from the rice pudding!
Soon LeRoy went to the Pudding ‘Porium© and dove into the pudding and started wrestling the pudding. Then he realized he didn’t know how to swim and began drowning. A monkey named Bert that had been spared from the pudding blender blades found LeRoy and rescued him, performing mouth to mouth resuscitation on him. Robert LeRoy began cheating on his wife with Bert the monkey and then he went across the world, going to each factory saving all of the monkeys.
The moral of the story is to always buy expensive pudding.
Sponsored by Rice to Riches, located in Manhattan, New York.