The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread

by Charlie, Shaylem & Alex

Modern technology is flawed. Modern thinking is flawed. Modern ideas are flawed. We need to go back to a simpler way of thinking. Politicians screw up, behead them. The guillotine should be reinstated as the most effective method of execution. And as a bonus, it can be used to slice bread and is run on green energy. It is also popular because it is retro, hipsters are now taking a liking to it! And we all know that the hipsters are the best executioners.


In fact the origin of the hipster dates back to the French Revolution. Hipsters created the guillotine and were the ones to behead King Louis , they were the ones. They came up with the idea for revolution while listening to vinyl records in the basements of their Paris microbreweries. And so the hipsters of today think it is so retro.

We interviewed the Democratic representative Hippie McHippleton from the U.S. House of Hipresentatives about reinstating the guillotine. Here’s what he had to say, “Guillotines are so hip, bra. I don’t see why we haven’t been using them this whole time, bra.” But Republican representative Dr. Doomfenshmirtz contradicted, “Guillotines are so stinky. They have an odorous odor. And I think they are so poopy that they should be executed… with a guillotine. Oh, wait.”

Despite the thinking of Dr. Doomfenshmirtz, guillotines will be a part of modern executional culture, and we think they will be that way for a long time. Let’s slice some bread.