The Real Reason We’re in Quarantine

by Jerebald

The Coronavirus is just a cover up. The real reason the government has us all quarantining is because aliens really exist. These aliens were discovered near the end of 2019, and the discovery was not made available to the general public.

The Apple Gazette got a hold of Mr. Cedrick, an ex-government official from the top secret Department of Identified Walking Aliens (DIWA). He told us, “Beware the large evil tree arm bulb headed people. They eat humans starting at the toes and finishing with the hair.” According to Mr. Cerdick, the aliens were first discovered when some undisclosed government officials ran into them at a coffee shop in Washington D.C. Reportedly the aliens conversed with them and tried selling them toilet paper and fake relics from some cult called Hubbism.

Donald Trump mistakenly pushed the nationwide quarantine button instead of the toilet flusher, sending us all into quarantine since then. The aliens since then have been trying to sell one-ply TP on Amazon, despite promising two-ply in the advertisements. Now they’re being sued and are at large and are threatening to blow up the earth. Rumor has it that the aliens have concocted a way to sicken earthlings when looking up at the moon, resulting in the awful Tuesday Diarrheas.

Hopefully the government will strike up a deal with these aliens and finally get them to sell two-ply toilet paper to end the shortage. We can all come out of quarantine with clean bottoms once the two-ply has been provided.